I’ve had this idea for the longest time to start a newsletter, and I kept waiting for the perfect time, but it never seemed to be the right time (no shit, sherlock).
At first, it was the “I don’t have time” excuse, then covid happened. It turned to “no data”, someone gifted me(indirectly) wifi, and then it became “I’m not an experienced writer, nobody would read what I have to write”, and it remained so till this very moment.
This is just a diluted version of all the excuses and conversations I had in my head before I took the pen by its tip, literally, which brings me to what I wanted to write about first; it just seemed very symbolic; Self Gaslighting.
Some part of me felt this was too heavy to put out as my first ever newsletter, but I couldn’t think of anything else, so here we go.
I don’t think anyone has ever gaslighted me the way I gaslight myself. It really should be studied. It took me a while to realise that’s what I was doing, I called it being truthful to myself, but there’s a thin line between telling yourself the truth and gaslighting yourself.
The experience that stood out to me the most happened last year. I think it was around May or June. I was beyond depressed because it was that bad. Still, I kept telling myself to stop whining and deal with it, ‘it’s not a big deal, people go through worse’, ‘You’re just lazy and so many more. Like I had valid reasons to have felt that way, I was losing sleep, couldn’t eat, losing weight, and crying constantly, and I kept telling myself to grow a pair, that it’s not a big deal.
Somehow, purely by God’s grace, I was able to get out of that place, but I never really got better until I acknowledged my feelings and I accepted that it was okay to feel down and tired for a while; it was okay to break down and not be motivated, it was okay to feel this way, and yes, it is very much a big deal.
I needed to accept that things won’t always be good. I needed to admit that I was sad and needed a good cry, and only after that was I able to move on. Really tho, I could literally feel my creative block lift. One minute, I’m questioning whether I should even call myself a writer, and next, my hands can’t keep up with my brain.
Find that balance. Cry if you need to and find a way to shut yourself up.
One thing that really worked for me was words of affirmation, although mine wasn’t the serene “I am worth it, and I deserve all the love I can get” every morning and night. Mine involved a lot of hyping to the point of being insufferable; nobody is allowed to talk me down, not even me. The more I kept doing that with everyone around me and myself, the easier it became to accept my flaws and take a breather once in a while, have a good cry too, and bask in my awesomeness and beauty. It is what it is.
I’ll end this with a quote from a sage woman, “You’re your biggest cheerleader; scream your lungs out”. Okay, maybe that’s a little off, but she’s really wise, I swear.
Ciao, see you soon.