Maybe God doesn't love me.

“Mothers are a gift from God”

I saw this quote while scrolling through Instagram some time last year and till date, It hasn’t left my mind.

I mean, it’s worthy of thought. Maybe I wasn’t special enough to get a gift from God, or I was really bad and he decided to take his gift back.

Today is the 20th remembrance of my mum.

Its honestly crazy how it’s been 20 years already.

I was going to write a letter but then I realized I didn’t have any mushy words.

When I think about my mum, all I feel is hurt. Hurt that she had to die so young and hurt that I don’t have a single memory of her.

The memory part is definitely the most painful. I know what she looked like because my dad saved everything he could, I know her likes, dislikes and character because my dad never stops talking about her.

When I was younger, I lived in a fantasy; my mom was a spy and had to go on a mission. They told us she was dead just to make sure we never interfered with her mission and one day she was going to come back and our family would be complete and rich again.

Silly, but it got me through the years. I kept waiting even though I knew the cause of her death made my fantasy impossible to ever be true.

As I grew older and started reading less Wattpad, I realized it was just that; a fantasy. A pretty stupid one at that because I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have accepted her back if that was really the case.

Fuck, It’s really been twenty years.

I’ve had a change of heart, I’m going to write a letter

Dear Mum,

Its been hard. Really hard. I miss you. I miss the relationship we could have had. I miss the guidance, the love, the fight, and the advice you could have given me. Doing life without you has been painful fr.

Dad misses you more.

P.S: You have the shittiest family members to ever grace this earth. Better luck in your next life.

At least I no longer cry, I finally toughened up.

Growing up without a mom showed me women are nasty people. I have so many memories of being treated differently because people knew I didn’t have a mom to defend me. Man, I was bullied by grown ass women. Women who should have known better.

I’ve had to be a mom, a sister and a daughter since I was 8.

I literally grew up with google and listening to advice that other girls got from their moms.

I remember when I first got my period, I was scared. I thought I had an internal injury and I was going to die, so I told my dad and he brought a female friend to talk to me. She gave me a pack of Ladycare, showed me how to use it, told me it should go on for 3-5 days and left. I bled for 2 weeks.

No girl should have to grow up without her mum.

My Dad has been amazing. He has dedicated the past 20 years to my brothers and I. I’ve watched him try so hard so we never feel the absence of a mother in our lives but there’s only so much he can do.

Rest in Peace ,Mom.

---

This was difficult to write and I honestly don’t know why I’m sending you this.

Someday, I’m going to write about my mom’s life. She really was a chop life queen and a beauty queen too.

Not today, not anytime soon. Someday, when I’m better.