Have you ever felt like a burden to the people you care about?

It’s not necessarily something they said or did, but you just get this feeling that you're disturbing them when you want to share things that might be bothering you.

I have.

I'm not an expressive person, and somehow I find myself slotted in the "strong” box, which just compounds my problem.

It's like everyone expects me to always….I'm trying to find the word for it. It's like I'm expected to always take everything that happens to me, no matter how bad, and still be good. It's one of the reasons why the few times I've cried at home, my family's gone into panic mode because in my Dad's words “Adaugo does not cry”.

Honestly, for a while growing up, it was a flex. I always took pride in the fact that while other girls might breakdown, I won’t, and I strived very hard to maintain it. I always wanted to be the one you came to for advice, the one who would be trusted to make logical decisions, basically the strongest, most reliable person.

If I could go back in time, I'd change things in a heartbeat (I'd still want to be logical and reliable but, Lord, I don't want to be strong).

Now, even when I make the slightest effort to open up, I end up feeling really stupid, and while the person may not have said anything wrong, it feels like they do not know what to do with whatever I just told them and it's odd coming from me.

Now, all these might just be in my head and I just need to be more open, more vulnerable.

I really wish I could.

This is one of the main reasons why I've had so many traumatic phases in my life and not a single soul knows about them, and when my OGs ask me if I'm okay or fine, I always go “yeah, sure, I'm good”, because, honestly I don't know how to say any other thing.

I remember one time I tried to confide in someone and his sage reply was “get over it, people have it worse than you”

Now, we could argue that that was tough love but it backed up my mentality of me toughing things out, because someone out there is going through worse and they're still ok.

Well, good for those someones. I'm not.

I want to be able to cry when I feel the need to and be comforted and not wait till it's 3 am and my roommate is asleep.

Now, to an extent, I understand I'm in a cage of my own making and I just need to “let people love me”, but that's literally the vaguest thing I've ever heard.

I feel there should be a manual.

A systemic approach to vulnerability.(Future Bestseller! It’ll have a better title tho)

Life would be so much easier.

Earlier this week, I was having a conversation with a friend and he said “Life is too short to not be expressive”. It was in a different context, but it never left me.

I've decided it's going to be my daily mantra.

I'm not kidding myself, I know it's going to be as hard as pulling teeth, but baby steps.

I've gotten a journal.

I'll start writing and slowly graduate to talking.

If there's one thing life has taught me, it's that at the end of the day, you're the only one who can help yourself.

So even if it kills me, I'll be more expressive.

mi o se strong woman anymore.

Sophia 💜