Embracing the Cringe

It’s been a minute.

But you knew I was going to say that didn’t you?

At this point it’s basically my brand. I vanish, I reappear, I whisper “hey guys…” like nothing happened.

This time though—it’s been 203 days. Two hundred and three. Let’s not even get into why I know the exact number because I counted.

Oh, disclaimer here, I’m not going to stop using em dashes because……..i can’t even say it because of how silly it is. If you think an AI wrote this, all the best to you!

Anywho. What’s new?

• I went to camp.

• I switched careers completely (don’t ask me how it’s going).

• I crashed out of an almost-situationship (emphasis on almost)

• I started a 9–5.

• And somewhere in all of this, I kind of lost track of myself.

The truth? I haven’t had time to breathe, let alone think this year. And for someone who used to enjoy silence, not being able to sit still with my own thoughts has been a rude awakening.

And here’s another truth I hate admitting: I’ve always been terrified of embarrassment. I don’t like being seen struggling. If life goes left, I retreat. I vanish. I clean myself up behind the scenes and re-emerge whole or at least I look it.

At least, that’s who I thought I was.

But this year has dragged me into the exact thing I’ve been avoiding all my life: the cringe.
The beginner stage.
The ugly stage.
The “why does she look like she doesn’t know what she’s doing” stage.

It’s one thing to fail quietly where no one can see, but to fail publicly? Nah. That one is a different kind of torture. And yet—that’s where I’ve been.

Leaving my comfort zones, stumbling through things I don’t fully understand, showing up to spaces where I feel grossly underqualified, sitting across from people who expect me to know stuff I literally Googled that morning. It’s been humbling.

But here’s the thing: the growth I say I want? It’s not in the curated version of me that always looks put together. It’s in the moments I want to delete. The moments that make my skin crawl when I replay them in my head. The moments I train myself to disassociate from. The moments that feel… cringe.

I’ve been avoiding these moments my whole life, to the point of letting go of opportunities. But lately, life has been saying “lol, too bad, you’re going to face it whether you want to or not.”

And it’s been beyond uncomfortable. Some days I want to tap out and go back to my bubble of safety. Some days I want to fast-forward straight to the part where I’m competent, confident, and clapping for myself on the other side.

But I know this is the part that matters most. The part where I look messy and unpolished is the actual work.

So yeah. That’s where I’m at. Sitting in the cringe. Fumbling, rambling, not always making sense. And if you’re reading this, then I guess you’re witnessing it too—partially.

I want to say I’ll do better with documenting my journey, my life and writing here, because how do I expect to grow if I’m not consistent?

But I’ve made too many promises and broken too many.

So, I’ll say I’m committed and I hope you stick around for the ride.

Love,

Sophia A.

P.s: This will always be a safe space.

How have you been?

Truly?