Can you still love yourself when your mess is showing?
Maybe...
If you had asked me this question a couple of months ago, my answer would have been a resounding "No."
Of course, I wouldn’t say that out loud (powers and all that), but deep down, I knew I couldn’t.
In fact, I didn’t.
I’ve always struggled with vulnerability. Showing weakness—especially when it’s within my control to hide it—has never been my strong suit. While I’ve gotten better over time, I still wouldn’t classify myself as an open or vulnerable person.
So, it made perfect sense to me that even if my life was falling apart or I was slowly losing touch with reality, as long as I presented a “perfect” facade to the world, then life was good.
But life doesn’t always go as we plan, even when you have a fail-proof plan, and I didn’t.
I’m my harshest critic, and honestly, I don’t think I’m even friends with myself. Before you say that comment, be assured that I’ve told myself a 100 times worse
I used to tell myself that I wasn’t performing for anyone and that I lived life on my terms. But the truth is, I’d rather eat catfish pepper soup than let people know my life wasn’t as together as it seemed.
If you enjoy catfish pepper soup, maybe it’s time to rethink your life choices.
These past two years, my mess has been on full display—4K HD quality, and it’s been jarring. So I did what I do best: I retreated. At first gradually, then one day I just shut the door completely and it’s been hard to come back out ever since.
I’ve had countless conversations with myself about giving myself grace. But how do you do that when you feel like you’re failing and everyone can see it? Friends, foes, friends turned foes, even the aliens among us—everyone.
I want to say, “Yes, I can still love myself when my mess is showing,” but if I’m honest, I don’t know how. How do you love a version of yourself that you know isn’t the best?
Loving yourself means accepting yourself, and let’s face it, sometimes acceptance is defeat.
That was my fear.
I was scared that if I fell into the “love yourself as you are” mindset, I would be stuck there—doomed to a life of mediocrity.
It may sound harsh, but I’m acutely aware of my flaws.
Is this what failing in public looks like?
I’m not even failing in public—I’m failing privately, and it’s still showing. It’s like my life has become an exhibition.
I’m trying, but if I’m honest, I haven’t even taken the first step yet.
Actually, that’s not honest—I have.
I have taken the first few steps and in line with the ongoing theme of my life, another flaw was unearthed, but I also learnt.
I’ve learnt loving myself when my mess is showing doesn’t mean I have to accept a version of myself that I’m not proud of. Instead, it means giving myself the grace to be human, to struggle, and to grow through that struggle, no matter how hard it may be.
I don’t have all the answers yet and I doubt I ever will, but maybe loving yourself isn’t about having it all together. Maybe it’s about loving yourself while the whole world sees you work through your worst.
And that’s the journey I’m on.
It’s not pretty.
Sophia💜
The last time I sent out a newsletter was February 17, 2023. I sent it out to 102 subscribers and less than 100 followers. Today, I have 679 subscribers and almost 900 followers; I do not take this for granted. It’s humbling that you came across this weird newsletter, probably read a letter or two, and told yourself, “What the hell?” and subscribed, and for that, you have my eternal thanks.
I hope you enjoy the ride!